Choosing to Trust God

I really didn't even feel like writing this, but figured it might help to get my feelings down. What a roller coaster I've been on the past few weeks.

I think we, as mothers, know deep down--it's that maternal instinct--when something isn't right about a pregnancy. From the moment I got that first positive pregnancy test with Hannah, I was so excited, and so at peace about it. I just "knew" that everything was going to be fine, even in moments of doubt as I got further along in the pregnancy.

This time I didn't have that same excitement. Rather, something didn't feel quite right from the very beginning. I didn't want to admit it at the time, though. I was hoping that the feeling was wrong. As the pregnancy progressed, my body was telling me by the way it was acting that something was up. Even when I got the news that my beta number had risen back up and I had that first initial surge of excitement at the possibility there may be some hope, after a couple of days I just "knew" it wasn't going to end well. Sure enough, at the ultrasound yesterday--at 8 weeks, 2 days--we saw a still-empty gestational sac, with no heartbeat. And the sac had begun to collapse on itself even more and was very irregular in shape. It didn't surprise me at all. Deep down I already knew.

It has been a hard pill to swallow. I waited so long to finally be pregnant again with a second child, and endured several very early losses - the kind you only find out about if you test before your period is due, and now this one--that lasted for several weeks--only to have it end as well. And yet, as painful as this is, I refuse to get bitter or give up hope. Instead, I will say: "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." That may be hard for some to understand, but I know that I serve a God who is faithful and true, who only has our best interest at heart. How can I not trust Him? Just because things don't go my way? Just because life seems so cruel and unfair sometimes? We live in an imperfect world, in imperfect bodies, and our finite minds struggle to understand the mind of an infinite God.

Sometimes we do get a glimpse of the reason. We might look back on a particular trial and say, "Okay, that's why I had to go through that." Maybe we came to a new understanding about something, or learned a particular lesson. But many times we do not know the reason. I choose to trust God with the reason. He is, after all, more trustworthy than I am.

There May Be Some Hope Afterall....

Yesterday I got the call from the doctor's office with my 4th beta number. It had gone back up! I was shocked. It has gone from 956 up to 2,526--down to 2,320--and now back up to 7,945! I am not sure what to think, but I do know that it is highly unlikely that I am miscarrying if my number is going up. My husband suggested I may have ovulated twice, several days apart, and the first one didn't make it. I am saddened by any kind of loss, but if there is hope that there is another one in there.... well let's just say, I would be so thankful if that winds up being the case. I am afraid to get my hopes up too high, though. What a roller coaster ride this has been! Here I thought it was all settled and that miscarriage was inevitable. And now I have reason to hope again.

Life sure does take some unexpected turns sometimes. Which just reminds me that I am not the one in control. I have another doctor appointment on Monday, July 20. Hopefully I will find out something then. I am believing God for a miracle, yet trusting that He knows best no matter what the outcome.

The Prospect of Being a Mother to Two

I thought my daughter was going to have a sibling in several months. But before I could even get used to the idea, it ended all too quickly. It was confirmed today at the doctor's office that I will miscarry. The sac was still empty, and was beginning to disintegrate.

My emotions have been all over the place. I was so happy at the thought of holding a baby in my arms again. Of going through it all again, only this time being able to savor every moment, because I wouldn't be so busy trying to figure out how it all worked. I'd know what to do.

But that dream has ended, at least for now. It is making me appreciate my daughter even more, if that is even possible. Now I will savor every moment with her even more, and be thankful for every day that I have with her. I believe the day will come when the time will be right for another child. But for now, I will hold my daughter in my arms even tighter.